Why Do You Move So Slow?

January 2006

The holiday season is over and it's time to clean house. Make way for the new year. Make way for new employees that want to get with the program and kick it into high gear! First person I wonder about is our PM dishwasher. Comes in every day. On time. Does his job. So what's the problem?

Problem # 1. Can't keep his eyes open. So I go ask the chef. "So what's with the PM dishwasher? Can't keep his eyes open, huh?" My chef's reply?

'The dishwasher is not a morning person.'

Great! Cuz it's 4 pm!!!

Problem #2. Appears and smells like he's perpetually stoned. So I go ask the chef. "So what's with the PM dishwasher? Appears to be high, huh?" My chef's reply?

'Oh, he always looks that way.'

Well it would make sense that he always looks stoned if he's always stoned.

Problem #3. He moves really, really slow. So I go ask the chef. "So, what's with the PM dishwasher. He moves slower than molasses and I'm about to terminate him." My chef's reply?

'Not sure. Go ask him yourself.'

No problem, I think I will. Right now.

"So, um, I've been watching you and the rest of the staff for the past two months, looking to re-evaluate our labor, move some people around, make room for others, and I noticed a few things that I wanted to ask you about. First and foremost, why do you move so slow?" The 24 year old PM dishwasher's reply?

'I'm conserving my life's energy, so I don't use it up too soon.'

WOW! That's one I've never heard before. Honestly, I was going to terminate you today, but that was such a great answer, I'm going to award you some bonus style points for that one. So, just for that, I'm giving you two weeks to look for another job. Please feel free to use me as a reference and put your last day in writing on my desk as soon as you have one.

I later found out this kid was earning money as a dishwasher because he was in dental school. Teeth were really important to him. Teeth are really important to me too, but somehow, I don't think I'll be going to his office for an appointment any time soon. And if I do, I'll go very, very s l o w l y .