8.01.2008

I'd Like My Soup Well Done.



Can I just say "Ugh". I hate that biotch. No, really, I think I mean that. And I don't normally dislike anyone, truthfully. Comes into my Bistro with her pretentious, entitled ass like she's the Queen of Sheba and the "best" customer we have and....can I just tell you? All the servers hate her. The cooks hate her. The hostess hates her. No one likes her. WHY does the woman come into our restaurant, you ask?

SO THAT SHE CAN SEND EVERYTHING SHE SPECIAL ORDERS, yes I said special orders, BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO BE REMADE!!!! UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Now look, if you are going to come to a restaurant, and you don't want this or that which normally comes with that particular dish, I have no problem not putting this or that ingredient in your dish. If you have a food allergy, by all means, let us know and we will be vigilant to make sure there is no allergy contaminated objects, utensils, etc. used near your food. But to come into the Bistro, and CREATE your own dish with a smile on your face, "Oh, can you not put this, but put that, and I'd only like a little of this, and can you make sure that is extra crispy, with the sauce from the other dish, etc. etc. etc." A substitution and add-on nightmare, and then when we are polite enough to not tell your ass to go have it your way at Burger King, you actually send it BACK??? Every time??? WTF?

Let me repeat. My cooks hate her. My servers hate her. I'm pretty sure the cleaning crew who has never met her, would hate her. And me, being the General Manager, has always said, "Oh come on, she's not that bad...Give her excellent customer service and she's no problem." Well, let me tell you. I took that idea crumbled it, shredded it up, threw it on the ground and stomped up and down on it tonight. STOMP, STOMP, STOMP. Then I spit on it, swept it up, and threw it in the trash.

For 6 years, we've had our Salamander. Like all things, sometimes kitchen equipment starts to wear out. And do we rush right out to buy a new one? No. We need to make profit every month to pay our bills, so like all other restaurants, we try to repair equipment, milk it for all its worth, and when its finally time to put something out to pasture, we weep. This is what happened recently to our Salamander. It tried to hold on. The heat had long ago mellowed to warm. The ceramic brick was covered in carbon. The gas lines were beginning to clog. And then it happened. Blue gas flames shooting out of the back of the salamander....right under the gas line! YIKES! Run for the hills. LOL. Okay, well, it wasn't that bad. Actually, we just turned it off.

But none the less, it was time for a new one. Last week, it arrived and was installed. All shiny and new with a new ceramic brick. And man, it's HOT! Put something under that broiler for a minute and call it done. Which is great, right? Well, no. Not really. Because my cooks have grown used to putting food in there and forgetting about it for about 5 minutes. Now, they have to stand there and watch it, lest it burn. But they will eventually get used to it. Besides, we only use it for one thing anyway....french onion soup.

You know, french onion, served in a nice ceramic crock with ooey gooey provolone and Gruyere, melting over the side of the crock. When you put your spoon in, you can barely get past the cheese to the crouton and rich brown stock below...mmmmm. So good. And cheesy and stringy and delicious, right?

Unless, you are the BIOTCH. Then you always order it "Well Done". Well done steak I've heard of. Well done french onion soup? Huh? Oh, okay, so you want the cheese extra brown and crispy on top. Well, normally that's not a problem. Because our ancient salamander that only works when it feels like it, will have time to brown your cheese well done while its also melting it to the crock...oh wait, we don't have that salamander anymore, do we? Nope. We've got the super turbo brand new one that cooks everything in a split second. Melts the cheese perfectly. As it should. But if we leave it in as long as your special request, guess what? It's burnt! If we send it out before it's burnt, you send it back. If I explain to you that I can't cook it longer without burning, what do you say? "Well this is how I've always gotten it here." Yes, yes, I know, but now, you can't. Unless you want it burned by Super Turbo Brand New Salamander over there, which I'm sure you don't. But I'll be happy to give you a refund or something else if you aren't happy with your perfectly made French Onion Soup? Uh, no? You'd like me to remake it? Of course you would. Five times, as a matter of fact. I made that woman's soup 5, FIVE, 5 times tonight. It was too light, too dark, too melty, too soupy, too hot, too cold, too imperfect for her. So she left. But rest assured, she'll be back.

I hate that BIOTCH.

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