Our New Phone Menu Options

I stole this from my friend, Ms. Alabama. She's the optimistic one. Originally an internet joke regarding a mental hospital, I think it is also fitting for a restaurant because we are surely all insane for being in this business! Mental Hospital. Restaurant. Mental Hospital. Restaurant. See? It's the same. Fournier, this one's for you, since you get to answer our phones.

Hello and thank you for calling The Bistro. We are open 11 am to 9 pm Monday thru Saturday and only 12-6 pm Sundays because we'd like to spend time with our families too. We would enjoy speaking with you but are unavailable at this time.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. We are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Thanks for calling. Here's the BEEP!