I'd Like My Soup Well Done.

Can I just say "Ugh". I hate that biotch. No, really, I think I mean that. And I don't normally dislike anyone, truthfully. Comes into my Bistro with her pretentious, entitled ass like she's the Queen of Sheba and the "best" customer we have and....can I just tell you? All the servers hate her. The cooks hate her. The hostess hates her. No one likes her. WHY does the woman come into our restaurant, you ask?

SO THAT SHE CAN SEND EVERYTHING SHE SPECIAL ORDERS, yes I said special orders, BACK TO THE KITCHEN TO BE REMADE!!!! UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Now look, if you are going to come to a restaurant, and you don't want this or that which normally comes with that particular dish, I have no problem not putting this or that ingredient in your dish. If you have a food allergy, by all means, let us know and we will be vigilant to make sure there is no allergy contaminated objects, utensils, etc. used near your food. But to come into the Bistro, and CREATE your own dish with a smile on your face, "Oh, can you not put this, but put that, and I'd only like a little of this, and can you make sure that is extra crispy, with the sauce from the other dish, etc. etc. etc." A substitution and add-on nightmare, and then when we are polite enough to not tell your ass to go have it your way at Burger King, you actually send it BACK??? Every time??? WTF?

Let me repeat. My cooks hate her. My servers hate her. I'm pretty sure the cleaning crew who has never met her, would hate her. And me, being the General Manager, has always said, "Oh come on, she's not that bad...Give her excellent customer service and she's no problem." Well, let me tell you. I took that idea crumbled it, shredded it up, threw it on the ground and stomped up and down on it tonight. STOMP, STOMP, STOMP. Then I spit on it, swept it up, and threw it in the trash.

For 6 years, we've had our Salamander. Like all things, sometimes kitchen equipment starts to wear out. And do we rush right out to buy a new one? No. We need to make profit every month to pay our bills, so like all other restaurants, we try to repair equipment, milk it for all its worth, and when its finally time to put something out to pasture, we weep. This is what happened recently to our Salamander. It tried to hold on. The heat had long ago mellowed to warm. The ceramic brick was covered in carbon. The gas lines were beginning to clog. And then it happened. Blue gas flames shooting out of the back of the salamander....right under the gas line! YIKES! Run for the hills. LOL. Okay, well, it wasn't that bad. Actually, we just turned it off.

But none the less, it was time for a new one. Last week, it arrived and was installed. All shiny and new with a new ceramic brick. And man, it's HOT! Put something under that broiler for a minute and call it done. Which is great, right? Well, no. Not really. Because my cooks have grown used to putting food in there and forgetting about it for about 5 minutes. Now, they have to stand there and watch it, lest it burn. But they will eventually get used to it. Besides, we only use it for one thing anyway....french onion soup.

You know, french onion, served in a nice ceramic crock with ooey gooey provolone and Gruyere, melting over the side of the crock. When you put your spoon in, you can barely get past the cheese to the crouton and rich brown stock below...mmmmm. So good. And cheesy and stringy and delicious, right?

Unless, you are the BIOTCH. Then you always order it "Well Done". Well done steak I've heard of. Well done french onion soup? Huh? Oh, okay, so you want the cheese extra brown and crispy on top. Well, normally that's not a problem. Because our ancient salamander that only works when it feels like it, will have time to brown your cheese well done while its also melting it to the crock...oh wait, we don't have that salamander anymore, do we? Nope. We've got the super turbo brand new one that cooks everything in a split second. Melts the cheese perfectly. As it should. But if we leave it in as long as your special request, guess what? It's burnt! If we send it out before it's burnt, you send it back. If I explain to you that I can't cook it longer without burning, what do you say? "Well this is how I've always gotten it here." Yes, yes, I know, but now, you can't. Unless you want it burned by Super Turbo Brand New Salamander over there, which I'm sure you don't. But I'll be happy to give you a refund or something else if you aren't happy with your perfectly made French Onion Soup? Uh, no? You'd like me to remake it? Of course you would. Five times, as a matter of fact. I made that woman's soup 5, FIVE, 5 times tonight. It was too light, too dark, too melty, too soupy, too hot, too cold, too imperfect for her. So she left. But rest assured, she'll be back.

I hate that BIOTCH.

Why Servers Think You Are Rude

Please turn off portable electronic devices as the captain prepares for take off.

Beginning July 1st, 2008, it will be illegal to use a cell phone while driving your car in NC. There are several other states that have enacted this law, and more will surely follow. Even emergencies will not be tolerated as an excuse. All drivers must pull over and stop their vehicle before using a cell phone unless they have a wireless device usable without a headphone. Speakerphones are not excluded from this ruling.

Mind you, I don't find this to be a big deal, as I only use my cell phone in the car for convenience purposes. I actually prefer to drive safely, and make my calls when I am in a quiet safe place. But not everyone believes in that. In fact, a lot of people feel they can and should use their cell phones whenever and wherever they please.

Namely, inside restaurants.

New York Restaurant Reviewer, Steven Shaw, recently chimed into the 'anti-cell phone in restaurants' debate with these pro-cell phone comments:

'Hello? Just what do these people think cellular phones are for? Although I've seen the occasional person get loud on a cellular phone, and although I hate it when they ring (I think people should put their phones on silent/vibrate, as I do, when in a restaurant), I can't see any other rational argument against their use--it's nobody's business whether I talk to my dining companions, a person on the other end of a phone, my dog or my imaginary friend Billy. When I receive a call, I generally excuse myself and talk in an out-of-the-way location, but I don't demand that anybody else follow that procedure. If you keep your voice down, you're okay by me. I should also point out that, having dined in many other countries, I can state with authority that cell-phone use in American restaurants is extremely low by the standards of the industrialized world.

Opposition to customers who make a lot of noise (be it via use of a cell-phone or through being loud in some other way) is perfectly legitimate. But an objection to cell-phones used at normal conversational volume levels just seems petty. It says more to me about the opponents' inflated sense of self-importance (as though a restaurant meal is too sacred to be interrupted by petty business concerns) than it does about cell-phone users.

Plus, who do these rabid anti-cellular-phone restaurateurs think is keeping them in business? People with cellular phones, specifically business people, that's who. Take me, for example. As a small businessman with a solo law practice and no secretary, I find the cellular phone to be an essential liberating tool. Having the cellular phone allows me to go out (dine out, take a walk, drive my car, whatever) at times when I otherwise would have to sit by my phone all day and wait for a call from a judge's chambers, client or opposing counsel. I can see it now: "Gee, Phil, sorry you had to spend the night in jail, but my hero Danny Meyer said I had to shut off my phone." And it's not just the professional crowd. What about expectant fathers or people with sick loved-ones? Heck, what about people who just want their friends to be able to reach them? Is that so horrible?

If I can't bring my phone to a restaurant, I won't eat there at all.'

His argument was followed by a well thought out response from Rivers Janssen, Editor, Fresh Cup Magazine:

'I'm not really involved in the restaurant industry, other than as a frequent patron. But I do have an opinion on cell phones in restaurants (or in virtually any other arena). I don't like them. Pure and simple.

It's not so much about people talking, although I don't appreciate sitting through a meal while having to listen to one end of an inane conversation. It's more a slight variation on Steven Shaw's argument. He says, toward the end of his piece, that people who dislike cell phones in restaurants have an inflated sense of self because they believe the restaurant meal is somehow sacred. I don't have any such expectation of restaurant food. I do, however, believe 95 percent of chronic cell phone users have extremely high opinions of THEIR self worths, otherwise they wouldn't take it out at such inopportune moments (i.e. at the gym, in a hotel shuttle, during dessert, etc.). I have heard more ridiculous cell phone conversations on the floor of the gym than I care to recount. Not a single one of them couldn't have been delayed 45 minutes until he or she was safely within the confines of a car.

Are you that indispensable that you must be on-call at all times? If you are that important, then more power to you. And please do exactly what Mr. Shaw does and excuse yourself from the dining area. If you're not that important--and most of us are not, but think we are--then you must be like the rest of cell phone civilization. You must believe that by pulling out your cell phone in public, you are somehow impressing upon the rest of the population that you are ESSENTIAL to your business.

There's a reason that much of America looks amused when watching a businessman drive by in a convertible BMW while talking on a cell phone. It's because we understand that this person has lost touch with who he is, and thinks he must regain it by purchasing pretty toys and using them in public.

I know I'm probably in the minority in this one, and I know I digressed from the original argument, but it's hard for me to take this whole thing seriously just because I think cell phones are so ridiculous. I value my free moments, and I love the fact that I can't be reached much of the time. Mind you, I do believe cell phones are useful in certain situations, particularly emergencies.

I don't think cell phones should be banned from restaurants; that seems a little restrictive. I just wish people would take a step back and look at cell phones with a critical eye. When our biggest concern is that we'll lose the right to look like a self-important buffoon in front of a restaurant full of diners, it's clear our priorities are out of whack.'

Mr. Janssen's response is the appropriate response to this debate. It isn't the restauranteurs who feel their establishment is too good for cell phone use. Or that their food is somehow demeaned by their patrons using the cell phone while eating. The argument from the restaurant industry that I most frequently hear, is the rudeness of the so-called self inflated customers, who are using their cell phones. Does this mean they are probably also rude when they don't have a cell phone stuck to their ear? Yes. Truthfully, that's more than likely. But adding a cell phone to the situation just somehow makes it even worst.

Not a day goes by that I don't hear a two-fold complaint from a server about a guest, 1.) who won't look them in the eye and 2.) who is having an inane one way conversation at a table, and can't have the decency to recognize that the server at their table is patiently waiting for them to take a break from their conversation, a quick breath, anything, which will allow the server to start and complete their steps of service which would include things like, welcoming them to our restaurant, asking for a beverage order, confirming a dinner order, and offering dessert, at the very least. Nevermind the other customers who are patiently waiting for the same server to get to their table to provide them with prompt, excellent service. Which they will probably not be getting, because their server is standing at Mr. Cell Phone Man's table, trying to think of a way to politely interrupt, or catch the customer's attention, without appearing to be rude and inconsiderate.

The same thing happens daily to toll booth operators, baristas, retail salespeople, the folks at the DMV counter, grocery store cashiers, front desk clerks, airline ticket agents, and in general, anyone who's job entails dealing face to face with the public every day.

How 'bout doing us all a favor so we can end this debate? When approaching someone for a service, have the consideration to PUT YOUR CELL PHONE DOWN until the service is concluded. Regardless of where you're at.

We would all sincerely appreciate it.

Catching A Buzz

Change of Plans

Well, the meeting with the developer went well, and he offered us the prime location in his new European village style market....problem is....he gave me the creeps.

He took my chef and I to his home, then out to lunch, asked us questions regarding what we thought of his site, then spoke over us as soon as we started speaking about us or our concept. Weird. Plus, he had grandiose ideas about a bistro. Wanted a private dining room. Bistros shouldn't have private dining rooms. They are about community. Wanted a power breakfast on the menu. In a bistro??? Bistros offer light, fresh breakfast foods, like crepes and poached eggs, not heavy weighed down greasy Waffle House scrambled eggs, ham, bacon, sausage and the like. At least ours doesn't anyway. Wanted an expensive interior design, heavy on architecture, which his masonry construction company would build out for us. Um, no. Light, airy, sans curtains, please.

So we're onto another design, writing another business plan, looking for another investor. I have a feeling we'll be doing a lot of this over and over again in the next year or so.

Updated May 2008:
The new concept is a smaller breakfast driven French Cafe. Warm maple pecan french toast, crepes suzettes, blueberry blintzes, raspberry white chocolate bread pudding, roasted pepper spinach & goat cheese omelets, warm apple struedel, fresh from the oven double chocolate brownies, salads, sandwiches, soups, and lots of java..the menu is currently a work in progress. But it will still feature organic poultry & produce, as well as bovine growth hormone free dairy products....gee, healthy doesn't always sound so tempting, does it? Either way, a much simpler concept, easy design, we can do it in 2500 sq feet. And I've possibly found the money ....mwhahahahahaaa. Now to apply for business grants (cuz who can't use more money) and find a new location...

A New Restaurant

This past summer, there was an article in the local paper about a new development being built and to be completed by Winter 2008. It is a new restaurant and retail site designed like a European village and market area, with a bistro, chocolatier, bakery, cheese maker, produce vendor, and some high end clothing retailers. I thought, what a unique idea, not like your average strip mall....gee, wish I could afford to open a restaurant there....

Meanwhile, my chef had the same itch. So, he and I have been talking for 3 months about doing a restaurant of our own, in some strip mall, some business zone, or I dunno, something doesn't feel quite right. Shooting around ideas, writing menu descriptions, scoping out new development areas, tossing around ideas about raising money for a new venture next year, if we're lucky, if anything of our talks comes true, if we maybe, oh, I dunno...hit the lottery??

Then suddenly, last week, I thought, what the heck, let's look into that European village. What do we have to lose? So I checked it out on the web and sent an email to the property manager. Maybe he won't answer? Maybe we're too late? Maybe we don't have enough money or good enough credit? Maybe he will laugh at us?

But he didn't. He emailed twice. He was interested in us. Write a proposal for a restaurant concept and menu. Meeting in two weeks. Okay, great! I'll get to work on that, and maybe they won't laugh at us. Or maybe they are just are being polite? Doubt creeping back in.....and then it happened. On Tuesday, the developer of the Village mystery shopped our restaurant and approached me with an offer to open a bistro there! Woo Hoo! I'm so excited! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Now, we still have to get our proposal together, debate the menu, debate a name (we like 'bisque', the develop likes 'bistro-??? some name I can't pronouce or spell'), even debate this partnership and profit sharing. So maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But here's keeping my fingers crossed for a new restaurant in 2009! Woo!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Thinking for other people.


I've been a restaurant manager for 18 years. I have never, ever, ever said I desire to do or think for other people, whether they be guests who can't think for themselves and say "I dunno, what do you like?" or staff who say "What should I do?" I've always empowered my team to do whatever is necessary to take care of the guest by simply following one little rule: Use your best judgement.

On the average day, most people do a very good job of following this direction. Occassionally, we have a gaff so large, it just leaves me speechless and makes me wonder where I went wrong. Here's a simple, silly example that demonstrates what I'm talking about.

A guest says to the server, "My Diet Coke tastes flat." The server apologizes and tells the customer she will check on that and be right back. Great.

The server goes and tells the greeter/cashier that a guest said the Diet Coke is flat, apparently because she also has a soda station behind her for to go orders, and may know what's going on???

The greeter/cashier goes to the kitchen and tells the prep cook that the server said a guest said the Diet Coke may be flat, apparently because the prep cook is standing next to the soda boxes and CO2 tanks????

The prep cook comes to tell me that the greeter/cashier said the server said a guest said the Diet Coke is flat, apparently because ______________________________________________??????

You tell me. And the guest still doesn't have a beverage they are enjoying. Seems kind of silly when I know they are all intelligent folks and great people. I trust them to do their jobs, and I know for a fact, that some of them desire to move up in their restaurant career.

So what happened here?

This Is What Sucks

Do you know what sucks?

When an infant or child is crying. Not a normal crying, that a bit of attention from a Mom or Dad won't fix.

More like a distressed cry.

But the parent is too busy chatting with their dining companion to pay attention to the child. Or so used to the crying, that the parent barely pays it any mind. Not that the rest of the dining room can't hear it. Unfortunately, all eyes are on that table. Not that the child is the problem. The kid is innocent. The problem is the so called responsible adult who is oblivious to the commotion. Or to other guests' concerns for the baby and the wailing and what possibly could be causing it, and hey, how about pick the baby up and find out? There's a thought. Or just continue to ignore the situation like you're already doing.

Until the child becomes so distressed, that they throw up on the table in the dining room.

At which point, the responsible adult certainly notices, because hey, place a plate here, spread out a napkin there, no one will notice until you creep out the door without a word or apology to the server who now has to clean up the vomit they will find when they bus your table.

That sucks.

Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle

Haagen-Dazs

I was watching the Food Network and a contest show named The Scoop came on. About Haagen-Dazs search for the next great flavor. This flavor actually didn't win, it only came in second, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE WON!! Oh MY goodness, is this good! You can order it by checking out the source info below.

(Source:

www.icecreamsource.com - you can order these flavors on their website if you can't find these flavors at your local store. They package it in dry ice, and the ice cream is rock solid when you receive it. I know, because I ordered it. In June. It was yummy. Only thing I don't like about NC, the grocery stores are full of vanilla ice cream and other boring flavors.)

From Haagen-Dazs.com:
'Flavor Notes-
Luxurious slivers of toasted coconut are steeped in rich cream and coconut milk, then blended with crunchy pieces of ginger-infused sesame brittle. A hint of ginger will linger on the back of your palate after the last bite is gone.'

'Inspiration-
Much of the inspiration for our Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle flavor comes from the lush islands of Thailand, where coconut trees line white beaches and the local markets are filled with exotic Asian spices like ginger and sesame.'

'Food Pairings-
Serve a scoop atop a banana leaf for the perfect ending to a Thai dinner.'

'Wine Pairings-
A sweet German dessert wine such as Trocken Beren Auslese.'

I also like HD's Black Raspberry Chip ice cream along side a scoop of their Chocolate Peanut Butter. Reminds me of this ice cream parlor named Richman's in the middle of New Jersey, that my family would always stop at on the way home from the Shore. I would always get two scoops of the above flavored ice creams and just hope like hell I could lick the cone fast enough to keep it from melting in the NJ summer sun. Richman's was creamy and homemade. HD's version is very close. Reminds me of my childhood.

One of these days, I will post my Great Grandmother's recipes for Home made Teaberry, Chocolate, and Chocolate Chip Ice Creams. You've never had such creamy ice cream. But you have to own a White Mountain Hand Crank or Electric Ice Cream Maker for that.

Meantime, enjoy Haagen Dazs.

Push Button To Hear A Pre-Recorded Message From The Staff

The Greeter

Fournier: What if we could turn me into a holograph?

With a pre-recorded message? When customers don't listen, they could push a button to hear it again. And again. And again. I'd like a holograph of you with your 'Ode to HairSpray' movie hair. It was very cool!

Fournier: I hate answering the questions that would have been answered had they listened to the greeter at the front entrance...

Listen? Who listens anymore? It's so yesterday!

Fournier: For example. "What's your specials?"

Oh, they were supposed to listen when they were recited the first time? Huh, no crap.

Fournier: "What's your soup du jour?"

Well, seriously, at the rate Jen changes the soup schedule with new recipes, who can keep up?

Fournier: "Is it spicy?"

Consider your clientele. Cream of corn could be spicy to some people.

Fournier: "How is it made?"

With a hand held burr mixer.

Fournier: "Do you have any fat-free dressing?"

WAIT JUST A MINUTE! They want fat free dressing??? On the salad with blue cheese, fresh fruit, dried fruit, candied nuts, and other sugar laden goodies? They might as well be eating dessert. Amazing. That's like when I order a skim milk grande latte, extra caramel sauce, white chocolate chips, and whipped cream. I feel good knowing I ordered skim milk. Next!

Fournier: Most of the time they don't use proper grammar or they have it accompanied with the ever so present attitude.

Someone gave you attitude? hmmm. Was it Jimmi? LOL.

Fournier: And what is it about them putting their greasy fingers all over my freshly cleaned display area.

Nothing attracts fingerprints like freshly windexed glass.

Fournier: Or asking if the desserts on display are real or if they are plastic? "Can I touch it?"

Like the woman who stuck her finger in the Brulee last week and then licked it?

Fournier: I want to ask them sometimes, "Are you 5 years old? Do you still have to touch things?" I think not!

Good thing we have the electric outlets covered or they'd be sticking their fingers in there too apparently! LOL.

Nice.

Our New Phone Menu Options

I stole this from my friend, Ms. Alabama. She's the optimistic one. Originally an internet joke regarding a mental hospital, I think it is also fitting for a restaurant because we are surely all insane for being in this business! Mental Hospital. Restaurant. Mental Hospital. Restaurant. See? It's the same. Fournier, this one's for you, since you get to answer our phones.

Hello and thank you for calling The Bistro. We are open 11 am to 9 pm Monday thru Saturday and only 12-6 pm Sundays because we'd like to spend time with our families too. We would enjoy speaking with you but are unavailable at this time.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. We are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Thanks for calling. Here's the BEEP!