A No. 3 Enchilada Combo With A Side Of Drag Queen, Please

October 1994

I am asked to make my first trip south to consult on a Mexican restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina that has 3 months to make it or break it before the owner chains the doors. (BTW. I hate when people do this. No class. If you want to close your business, just call everyone on your employee list, tell them you've decided to close, and how/where they can pick up their last check and an excellent reference letter. Is it that hard to be decent to people who just lost their jobs, for god's sake?)

I phone the General Manager to introduce myself. Heavy southern accent on the other side of the phone. My friends in the North East are teasing me that I am going to work for a bona fide redneck. I'm a little worried, but I'm sure it will be fine. Right? Ok. Actually, I'm a little concerned.

The 12 hour drive was pleasant enough. Except for when I stopped for gas, just south of the North Carolina border. I really need gas for the second time that day. Practically on empty. Should have really stopped somewhere around Wilmington, NC when I still had a bit. Now I'm on fumes.

I pull into the first mini mart that I see. Two guys, wearing bib overalls and John Deere tractor caps are leaning against the building, near the entrance. One even has a long piece of straw sticking out of his mouth. No shit. An image of Deliverance flashes thru my mind. One quick look at the gas pumps. Damn it. They aren't automatic. I have to go inside first to pay. Passed those guys.....what to do...what to do...Get back in my car and get the hell out of there and PRAY there is another gas station nearby. Luckily there is.

Finally arriving at the restaurant a few hours later, I pull into the parking lot to be confronted by an enormous black pick up truck on enormous tires with a Confederate flag and a gun rack on the back. Oh shit.

Breathe. Breathe. We are going in!

Upon entering, I find the typical americanized Mexican restaurant, with colorful walls, serapes, margarita glasses, and a life size metal sculpture of a fierce looking bull. The hostess approaches me at the front desk. She is young, blond, has her hair in braided pigtails, with a farmer's hat and bib overalls on. Straw sticking out between her teeth. I mean tooth. Again!!!??? I'm about to freak the hell out.

Then the beautiful princess Jasmine walks by. You know. From Aladdin. Wait. Did I just see what I thought I saw? WTF?

Then Wonder Woman. W O N D E R W O M A N!!! I used to love her. And her bullet proof bracelets, lasso, and invisible plane.

OK. THAT'S IT. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!!! SOMEONE TELL ME QUICK BEFORE I GET BACK IN MY JEEP AND LEAVE YOU FREAKS TO FLOUNDER FOR YOURSELVES!

Turns out, South Carolina is celebrating Halloween 2 days early, so that they can celebrate it on a weekend which is more profitable for the restaurants and clubs; and the kiddies don't have to trick or treat on a school night.

Whew! Ok. Regaining my composure now.

Turns out Princess Jasmine is Rob. THE NICEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. EVER.

Wonder Woman is Tony.

Clark Kent/Superman is Amy.

And so on.

APPARENTLY I HAVE JUST INHERITED A RESTAURANT FULL OF DRAG QUEENS AND ONE KING! LOL. OK. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!

And it was. Thursday nights in particular. Male servers walk into the men's room at 11pm when the dining room closes. 15 minutes later, my gosh, what a beautiful evening gown you have on. And you made it yourself? The hosiery and shoes are to die for! Some of the staff are performers, stage hands, ticket takers, or just club members at the Arcade, a famous Charleston drag show/bar/dance club. Thursday night is the big performance show each week. Local acts. National acts. And some serious drama off stage as well. Me and the rest of the staff plant ourselves at a table each Thursday, order a couple of pitchers of White Russians (because SC has antiquated liquor laws), sit back and relax watching these guys sing, dance, impersonate, and love every moment of it. And the money drop from the ceiling at midnight New Year's Eve? Now there were some Lee Press on Nails and wigs flying that night.

Overall a WONDERFUL time in South Carolina. The nicest people I have ever met. We even did a great turn around on the restaurant, thanks to the staff. Increase in sales. Increase in profit. Lower costs. Happier guests. Happier staff. (Poor management had been the issue that dragged the restaurant down to this point.)

Unfortunately, the owner got impatient and found a buyer for the property the restaurant was sitting on, prior to the 3 month deadline. A few days after my 3 month gig was up and I had left to drive back home, he chained the doors.

@%^&*(!

I felt sick about the whole thing really.

The restaurant was closed. Most of the managers were laid off. The staff was looking for work elsewhere. The kitchen and dining room were emptied of all equipment...........And then.......... the buyer backed out.

KARMA. (GOTCHA!)

A month later, I received a sort of apology and a regrettable conversation about how they shouldn't have closed the business. Seems a bit too late for that.

6 months later, I went back to visit and track down the staff. People I had considered friends. They were scattered everywhere. Some to better restaurants. Some to similar or worst places. Some to other careers. Some to the wind.

A moment in time. A lifetime of memories.

Pass Me The Mustard, Honey!

Our interview process seems pretty simple to us, complicated to the applicants. We do it the way we do, so we can easily weed out the liars, creeps, and those that over state their abilities.

You have to complete an application, online or in person. You have to submit a resume. You have to complete two interviews. If you are applying for a management or asst or sous chef or chef position, you need to submit a well written statement about your ideas and thoughts on our cuisine/concept/philosophy, so we can see if you're on the same vibe as us, in other words, do you "get it"? You also have to submit a sample menu that ties into the statement you just wrote. These can be submitted with your resume.

Once you have completed the interviews and we have called your references and found out which ones are your cousin, your best friend, somebody who was never your boss in the first place, we'll call you back and tell you that since couldn't provide professional references, or whatever, your application will be filed in the circular bin. If you've actually completed all this properly, you get to do a chef demonstration, 1 hour to prep and cook 3-5 items (just individual items, not entire entrees if you don't want) that demonstrate your understanding of our cuisine and showcase your culinary talents.

So yesterday, we were interviewing a Sous Chef candidate, who had been hounding us for an interview for the past 3 weeks. I had already called his references prior to the interview, so I knew this would be interesting.....okay, so walk me thru your resume....

"I was Kitchen Manager at so and so place, and I brought food and labor cost down to 20%. I elevated the restaurant from casual cafe to a fine dining establishment."

Isn't this the restaurant behind the Target and movie theatre??? Didn't know you could find fine dining in a Lowe's Home Improvement parking lot, but ok. Regarding your statement about financials, which was it, the food or the labor cost down to 20%?

"It was both, combined."

Well those two costs aren't related to each other.

"I might have my numbers wrong."

Were you actually responsible for tracking your food and labor costs, running results each month, posting journal entries to your Profit and Loss and answering for them to the owner?

"I didn't do that. The owner did it."

So what did you do that had to do with your claim that you ran food and labor cost at 20%?

"I ran the shift."

Next question. I see on your sample menu you provided us that you listed Russian Borscht. Will you be able to prepare that during your chef demonstration?

"Um, I've never made that before. I just thought it sounds good."

Alright, next on your sample menu, you listed a chicken frittes. Do you know how to make this?

"Sure."

So if I take you in the kitchen right now, give you a cutting board, knife, whole chicken and ask you to debone it entirely without breaking it down from the whole state, will you be able to do that?

"I'm a fast learner."

Okay, next on your sample menu, you listed a salmon entree salad with cherry walnut vinaigrette. Will you be able to make this as part of your demonstration?

"Oh, absolutely."

So, if I give you a cutting board, knife, whole salmon, bowl, whisk, vegetables and lettuce, you'll be able to demonstrate a 6 oz portion of this if we go in the kitchen right now?

"I'm not sure about cutting the salmon, but if you have some cut, I can do it."

And you're going to make the cherry walnut vinaigrette if I give you the ingredients?

"Don't you have some already made?"

Yes, we do, but you can't use ours. You have to demonstrate it yourself.

"Well, I know how to make honey mustard."

So does my wait staff.

Next!

Now Who's Uncouth?

I just got home, and wanted to look up the word Uncouth, in case I misunderstood its meaning. Webster says it means awkward and unmannerly. Apparently, that describes me....

Today at my restaurant, at apparently 12:30pm, during the lunch rush, we are on a wait. Not one single table to be had, approximately 15 customers at the door waiting to get a seat and have their lunch. From where I'm standing, I can see the people in the front of the line, a couple, and the people all the way at the end of the line, a woman with small children, ages 6 months - 8 years old.

There had been a seating mistake with the couple, and some guests who arrived after them, had been sat before them. I apologized and told them I would get them the next table. As I'm walking away, I see the woman at the END of the line, pushing her 8 year old daughter forward, but I am busy, so I head for the table that just got up, so I can bus and set it for this couple. As I turn around to lead the couple to the newly cleaned table, this little girl is trying to jump into the seat. I apologize to her and tell her I'm sorry but these other people are going to sit here now. She's cute, it's not her fault, and she walks back to the END of the line and tells her mom.

I approach the greeter, and tell her we have another table available, and as I am about to lead a group of 3 guests to the new table, again, I see the mom at the END of the line, pushing her daughter forward again. I go to seat the next group, and as I turn around, this child is climbing into the new table.....again, I apologize, and tell her, honey, I'm sorry you can't sit here, I'm about to seat some customers here, but if you just wait with your mom, we'll be with you. At this point, there are still 10 other people in line, right? Her mom is still at the END of the line.

Finally, some more tables get up, the entire wait couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, and finally they are seated at a table for 4 with the infant staying in the stroller. At which point, the mom leaves the table and walks towards me at the front of the restaurant, with a chip on her shoulder. Here it comes:

"You are so-ooooo UNCOUTH!"

Excuse me, ma'am?

"You have no manners for asking my daughter to leave the table she was trying to reserve for us!"

Ma'am, my apologies, but we are a first come, first serve restaurant, and I was leading another guest to that table, and yes, I did have to explain to your daughter that she was going to need to wait till it was your family's turn.

"How COULD you seat that 2 top before us!?"

Well, ma'am, they were here 10 minutes before you, were at the front of the line, and had accidently been skipped in the seating, so I needed to get them the next available seat. You were several parties behind them.

"What's your NAME? I'm writing a letter to the OWNER!!"

I'm the General Manager of the restaurant, here's my business card, and the address is on there.

"I want you to get me the NEXT available large table."

Ma'am, we only have one table larger than the one you are already at, but as I see it's becoming available, I will be happy to clear and set it for you. Give me one moment.
Okay, ma'am, if you'd like, the table is ready. I'd be happy to move you over there.

"We're ALREADY sitting HERE and I need to change the baby's diaper!"

Okay, ma'am, as you wish.

The baby at this point, is screaming his little lungs out. So, what does she do? She promptly places the baby on the table and changes his poopie diaper right there in the dining room! Then the entire family eats without washing their hands or asking for the table to be cleaned. Then they leave the poopie diaper and a $2 tip on the table.

Now who's UNCOUTH?

Drug Dealing December Dishwashers

December 2006.

Needed a new dishwasher. Old dishwasher didn't want to work.
Unless he feels like it.

Wants to work 8-2pm. What dishwasher works 8-2?? The restaurant doesn't open until 11am? No dishes stacking up till 12. You want to work 2 hours? At $8/hr??? Because you have to go pick up your kids from day care. You have kids???? Holy *%$%^. How are you paying for them? Don't you want extra hours? You just bought a big house? And you drive an SUV?

HOLD EVERYTHING!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!!

WTF is wrong with this picture?

So I go ask him. "You have a new house and a new SUV and kids in daycare and you only want a few hours on the schedule? What do you have another job or something?"

"I have my own business."

Oh.

"That's cool. What kind of business?"

"A good one."

"Is this the kind of business where I could park next to it and walk under a door sign with your business' name on it and go inside and shop around? Or is it more like, I could pull up to a stop sign on a corner, not need to get out of my car, and the sign above your head would say Fourth and Main Street?"

"Yeah, that second one."

Thanks for being honest. Now you have to leave.

And why try telling the rest of the staff that you're doing back to school or you got another job?

Just leave already.

The Purina Diet

Okay, I blatantly stole this again from an internet joke that Ms. Alabama sent me, although she really could have done this herself....Tracie is like that, you wouldn't put it past her! But as it DOES have to do with food, I'm adding it to my blog site.

WARNING: THIS DIET IS NOT FOR EVERYONE

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Marley, and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog......Duh!! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO , and ... I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50lbs. before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes bugged out of her head.

I went on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story, particularly the tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no.... I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my ass when a car hit me.

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

Does This Count As Two Degrees Of Separation?

Death Sentence

Three years ago, I enter for the first time, what was to become one of my favorite local hang outs. A very friendly and courteous server named Juan Carlos approaches my table. Based on his excellent service, friendly personality, and handsome smile, this restaurant & bar quickly becomes a favorite.


Juan Carlos always waits on my friends and I. If he isn't there, I may not stay. The other wait staff just aren't as good as him. And I admit, I'm very judgemental of servers, being as I'm in the business. So if you can't meet JC's standards of service, you won't be getting my regular business.


Little by little, getting to know JC, I find out he has a passion for acting, not unusual for aspiring actors to work as servers until their big break in NYC or LA, but here in North Carolina, its not very often the case. He is soon getting small parts in local theatre. He's an extra in this movie. He's an extra in that movie. He's in a tv pilot that doesn't make it to air. And finally, he's now promoted to bartender at my local hang out. Ok. Move from the tables, now I find myself and friends at the bar most nights. No problem.


Then slowly, last summer, my favorite bartender is not at work as much anymore. He's there occassionally, and when he is, he never really mentions what's up, just busy working he says.

TONIGHT, we find out what he was up to last summer. Thru his invitation to a movie premier for Death Sentence, starring Kevin Bacon. In this movie, Kevin Bacon plays Nick Hume, "a mild-mannered executive with a perfect life, until one gruesome night he witnesses something that changes him forever. Transformed by grief, Hume eventually comes to the disturbing conclusion that no length is too great when protecting his family." Directed by James Wan. Release Date: August 31st, 2007. In the movie, Juan Carlos plays Sammy, the bartender at the Four Roses bar (okay, not much of a stretch, I admit, but hey, how many movies have you been in??). Four Roses is the hang out for all the thugs, gang members, killers and any other vile criminals in town. When Kevin Bacon's son is killed as part of an initiation rite for a new gang member, he decides to follow their lead, and it takes him into the criminal mind set and gang underworld.


In my favorite scene from the movie, (because Juan Carlos is in it), Kevin Bacon has had enough and is about to lay out everything and anything that stands in his path at the Four Roses, including poor Sammy's face! YIKES!


This isn't a romantic date movie, it's not science fiction, it's a thriller with shooting, chases, body parts, car crashes, etc. But if you like action movies, and you've ever wondered HOW FAR YOU WOULD GO TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY, this is the movie to see.

Plus, isn't it nice to see good restaurant people succeed in life? And trust me, Juan Carlos is good people. See you at the movies!

To view the trailer, go to http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=20203429. For some reason, it wouldn't let me save the video here.

Our New Phone Menu Options

I stole this from my friend, Ms. Alabama. She's the optimistic one. Originally an internet joke regarding a mental hospital, I think it is also fitting for a restaurant because we are surely all insane for being in this business! Mental Hospital. Restaurant. Mental Hospital. Restaurant. See? It's the same. Fournier, this one's for you, since you get to answer our phones.

Hello and thank you for calling The Bistro. We are open 11 am to 9 pm Monday thru Saturday and only 12-6 pm Sundays because we'd like to spend time with our families too. We would enjoy speaking with you but are unavailable at this time.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. We are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Thanks for calling. Here's the BEEP!