The Long Hard Road

Life goes on. When personal disaster strikes, it always seems to me that everyone should stand still and reckon with it until it is resolved. But they never do. Jobs, children, homes, spouses all require attention. And then at some point, the individual is left to deal with it themselves for awhile. People move on, people move away, people move to other restaurants. Losing touch happens, even if it wasn't purposeful or intended. It's hard.

It's even harder when you are reunited with a person through news of further strife. The restaurant manager whom I wrote about in Wedding Triumphs and Disasters has certainly had her share of both celebrations and concerns. Divorce. Remission of her cancer! New husband! BABY! More cancer. Successful bone marrow transplant! Family! Kidney dialysis. Tracheotomy. Friends! Feeding tube. Respirator. Hope!

Today was a day to reunite in person, on phone, and via email with some old restaurant co-workers, staff, and friends. So great to talk to everyone! Jermaine, Kim, Nikki, Mark, Rich, Bernadette, Gloria, Manny, Maynard, and on and on and on. So hard to be talking about this. Restaurant people are one big family. We always seem to pull back together, to find one another, to reconnect, to support one another when the need is greatest.

Positive thoughts and prayers are called for on this long hard road.

Edited: June 1st, 2008, Heather Barrineau, Rest In Peace

Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other That we are still Call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort Without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant It is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind Because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again! ~Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918

A No. 3 Enchilada Combo With A Side Of Drag Queen, Please

October 1994

I am asked to make my first trip south to consult on a Mexican restaurant in Charleston, South Carolina that has 3 months to make it or break it before the owner chains the doors. (BTW. I hate when people do this. No class. If you want to close your business, just call everyone on your employee list, tell them you've decided to close, and how/where they can pick up their last check and an excellent reference letter. Is it that hard to be decent to people who just lost their jobs, for god's sake?)

I phone the General Manager to introduce myself. Heavy southern accent on the other side of the phone. My friends in the North East are teasing me that I am going to work for a bona fide redneck. I'm a little worried, but I'm sure it will be fine. Right? Ok. Actually, I'm a little concerned.

The 12 hour drive was pleasant enough. Except for when I stopped for gas, just south of the North Carolina border. I really need gas for the second time that day. Practically on empty. Should have really stopped somewhere around Wilmington, NC when I still had a bit. Now I'm on fumes.

I pull into the first mini mart that I see. Two guys, wearing bib overalls and John Deere tractor caps are leaning against the building, near the entrance. One even has a long piece of straw sticking out of his mouth. No shit. An image of Deliverance flashes thru my mind. One quick look at the gas pumps. Damn it. They aren't automatic. I have to go inside first to pay. Passed those guys.....what to do...what to do...Get back in my car and get the hell out of there and PRAY there is another gas station nearby. Luckily there is.

Finally arriving at the restaurant a few hours later, I pull into the parking lot to be confronted by an enormous black pick up truck on enormous tires with a Confederate flag and a gun rack on the back. Oh shit.

Breathe. Breathe. We are going in!

Upon entering, I find the typical americanized Mexican restaurant, with colorful walls, serapes, margarita glasses, and a life size metal sculpture of a fierce looking bull. The hostess approaches me at the front desk. She is young, blond, has her hair in braided pigtails, with a farmer's hat and bib overalls on. Straw sticking out between her teeth. I mean tooth. Again!!!??? I'm about to freak the hell out.

Then the beautiful princess Jasmine walks by. You know. From Aladdin. Wait. Did I just see what I thought I saw? WTF?

Then Wonder Woman. W O N D E R W O M A N!!! I used to love her. And her bullet proof bracelets, lasso, and invisible plane.

OK. THAT'S IT. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!!! SOMEONE TELL ME QUICK BEFORE I GET BACK IN MY JEEP AND LEAVE YOU FREAKS TO FLOUNDER FOR YOURSELVES!

Turns out, South Carolina is celebrating Halloween 2 days early, so that they can celebrate it on a weekend which is more profitable for the restaurants and clubs; and the kiddies don't have to trick or treat on a school night.

Whew! Ok. Regaining my composure now.

Turns out Princess Jasmine is Rob. THE NICEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. EVER.

Wonder Woman is Tony.

Clark Kent/Superman is Amy.

And so on.

APPARENTLY I HAVE JUST INHERITED A RESTAURANT FULL OF DRAG QUEENS AND ONE KING! LOL. OK. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!

And it was. Thursday nights in particular. Male servers walk into the men's room at 11pm when the dining room closes. 15 minutes later, my gosh, what a beautiful evening gown you have on. And you made it yourself? The hosiery and shoes are to die for! Some of the staff are performers, stage hands, ticket takers, or just club members at the Arcade, a famous Charleston drag show/bar/dance club. Thursday night is the big performance show each week. Local acts. National acts. And some serious drama off stage as well. Me and the rest of the staff plant ourselves at a table each Thursday, order a couple of pitchers of White Russians (because SC has antiquated liquor laws), sit back and relax watching these guys sing, dance, impersonate, and love every moment of it. And the money drop from the ceiling at midnight New Year's Eve? Now there were some Lee Press on Nails and wigs flying that night.

Overall a WONDERFUL time in South Carolina. The nicest people I have ever met. We even did a great turn around on the restaurant, thanks to the staff. Increase in sales. Increase in profit. Lower costs. Happier guests. Happier staff. (Poor management had been the issue that dragged the restaurant down to this point.)

Unfortunately, the owner got impatient and found a buyer for the property the restaurant was sitting on, prior to the 3 month deadline. A few days after my 3 month gig was up and I had left to drive back home, he chained the doors.

@%^&*(!

I felt sick about the whole thing really.

The restaurant was closed. Most of the managers were laid off. The staff was looking for work elsewhere. The kitchen and dining room were emptied of all equipment...........And then.......... the buyer backed out.

KARMA. (GOTCHA!)

A month later, I received a sort of apology and a regrettable conversation about how they shouldn't have closed the business. Seems a bit too late for that.

6 months later, I went back to visit and track down the staff. People I had considered friends. They were scattered everywhere. Some to better restaurants. Some to similar or worst places. Some to other careers. Some to the wind.

A moment in time. A lifetime of memories.

Pass Me The Mustard, Honey!

Our interview process seems pretty simple to us, complicated to the applicants. We do it the way we do, so we can easily weed out the liars, creeps, and those that over state their abilities.

You have to complete an application, online or in person. You have to submit a resume. You have to complete two interviews. If you are applying for a management or asst or sous chef or chef position, you need to submit a well written statement about your ideas and thoughts on our cuisine/concept/philosophy, so we can see if you're on the same vibe as us, in other words, do you "get it"? You also have to submit a sample menu that ties into the statement you just wrote. These can be submitted with your resume.

Once you have completed the interviews and we have called your references and found out which ones are your cousin, your best friend, somebody who was never your boss in the first place, we'll call you back and tell you that since couldn't provide professional references, or whatever, your application will be filed in the circular bin. If you've actually completed all this properly, you get to do a chef demonstration, 1 hour to prep and cook 3-5 items (just individual items, not entire entrees if you don't want) that demonstrate your understanding of our cuisine and showcase your culinary talents.

So yesterday, we were interviewing a Sous Chef candidate, who had been hounding us for an interview for the past 3 weeks. I had already called his references prior to the interview, so I knew this would be interesting.....okay, so walk me thru your resume....

"I was Kitchen Manager at so and so place, and I brought food and labor cost down to 20%. I elevated the restaurant from casual cafe to a fine dining establishment."

Isn't this the restaurant behind the Target and movie theatre??? Didn't know you could find fine dining in a Lowe's Home Improvement parking lot, but ok. Regarding your statement about financials, which was it, the food or the labor cost down to 20%?

"It was both, combined."

Well those two costs aren't related to each other.

"I might have my numbers wrong."

Were you actually responsible for tracking your food and labor costs, running results each month, posting journal entries to your Profit and Loss and answering for them to the owner?

"I didn't do that. The owner did it."

So what did you do that had to do with your claim that you ran food and labor cost at 20%?

"I ran the shift."

Next question. I see on your sample menu you provided us that you listed Russian Borscht. Will you be able to prepare that during your chef demonstration?

"Um, I've never made that before. I just thought it sounds good."

Alright, next on your sample menu, you listed a chicken frittes. Do you know how to make this?

"Sure."

So if I take you in the kitchen right now, give you a cutting board, knife, whole chicken and ask you to debone it entirely without breaking it down from the whole state, will you be able to do that?

"I'm a fast learner."

Okay, next on your sample menu, you listed a salmon entree salad with cherry walnut vinaigrette. Will you be able to make this as part of your demonstration?

"Oh, absolutely."

So, if I give you a cutting board, knife, whole salmon, bowl, whisk, vegetables and lettuce, you'll be able to demonstrate a 6 oz portion of this if we go in the kitchen right now?

"I'm not sure about cutting the salmon, but if you have some cut, I can do it."

And you're going to make the cherry walnut vinaigrette if I give you the ingredients?

"Don't you have some already made?"

Yes, we do, but you can't use ours. You have to demonstrate it yourself.

"Well, I know how to make honey mustard."

So does my wait staff.

Next!

Why Do You Move So Slow?

January 2006

The holiday season is over and it's time to clean house. Make way for the new year. Make way for new employees that want to get with the program and kick it into high gear! First person I wonder about is our PM dishwasher. Comes in every day. On time. Does his job. So what's the problem?

Problem # 1. Can't keep his eyes open. So I go ask the chef. "So what's with the PM dishwasher? Can't keep his eyes open, huh?" My chef's reply?

'The dishwasher is not a morning person.'

Great! Cuz it's 4 pm!!!

Problem #2. Appears and smells like he's perpetually stoned. So I go ask the chef. "So what's with the PM dishwasher? Appears to be high, huh?" My chef's reply?

'Oh, he always looks that way.'

Well it would make sense that he always looks stoned if he's always stoned.

Problem #3. He moves really, really slow. So I go ask the chef. "So, what's with the PM dishwasher. He moves slower than molasses and I'm about to terminate him." My chef's reply?

'Not sure. Go ask him yourself.'

No problem, I think I will. Right now.

"So, um, I've been watching you and the rest of the staff for the past two months, looking to re-evaluate our labor, move some people around, make room for others, and I noticed a few things that I wanted to ask you about. First and foremost, why do you move so slow?" The 24 year old PM dishwasher's reply?

'I'm conserving my life's energy, so I don't use it up too soon.'

WOW! That's one I've never heard before. Honestly, I was going to terminate you today, but that was such a great answer, I'm going to award you some bonus style points for that one. So, just for that, I'm giving you two weeks to look for another job. Please feel free to use me as a reference and put your last day in writing on my desk as soon as you have one.

I later found out this kid was earning money as a dishwasher because he was in dental school. Teeth were really important to him. Teeth are really important to me too, but somehow, I don't think I'll be going to his office for an appointment any time soon. And if I do, I'll go very, very s l o w l y .

Now Who's Uncouth?

I just got home, and wanted to look up the word Uncouth, in case I misunderstood its meaning. Webster says it means awkward and unmannerly. Apparently, that describes me....

Today at my restaurant, at apparently 12:30pm, during the lunch rush, we are on a wait. Not one single table to be had, approximately 15 customers at the door waiting to get a seat and have their lunch. From where I'm standing, I can see the people in the front of the line, a couple, and the people all the way at the end of the line, a woman with small children, ages 6 months - 8 years old.

There had been a seating mistake with the couple, and some guests who arrived after them, had been sat before them. I apologized and told them I would get them the next table. As I'm walking away, I see the woman at the END of the line, pushing her 8 year old daughter forward, but I am busy, so I head for the table that just got up, so I can bus and set it for this couple. As I turn around to lead the couple to the newly cleaned table, this little girl is trying to jump into the seat. I apologize to her and tell her I'm sorry but these other people are going to sit here now. She's cute, it's not her fault, and she walks back to the END of the line and tells her mom.

I approach the greeter, and tell her we have another table available, and as I am about to lead a group of 3 guests to the new table, again, I see the mom at the END of the line, pushing her daughter forward again. I go to seat the next group, and as I turn around, this child is climbing into the new table.....again, I apologize, and tell her, honey, I'm sorry you can't sit here, I'm about to seat some customers here, but if you just wait with your mom, we'll be with you. At this point, there are still 10 other people in line, right? Her mom is still at the END of the line.

Finally, some more tables get up, the entire wait couldn't have been more than 10 minutes, and finally they are seated at a table for 4 with the infant staying in the stroller. At which point, the mom leaves the table and walks towards me at the front of the restaurant, with a chip on her shoulder. Here it comes:

"You are so-ooooo UNCOUTH!"

Excuse me, ma'am?

"You have no manners for asking my daughter to leave the table she was trying to reserve for us!"

Ma'am, my apologies, but we are a first come, first serve restaurant, and I was leading another guest to that table, and yes, I did have to explain to your daughter that she was going to need to wait till it was your family's turn.

"How COULD you seat that 2 top before us!?"

Well, ma'am, they were here 10 minutes before you, were at the front of the line, and had accidently been skipped in the seating, so I needed to get them the next available seat. You were several parties behind them.

"What's your NAME? I'm writing a letter to the OWNER!!"

I'm the General Manager of the restaurant, here's my business card, and the address is on there.

"I want you to get me the NEXT available large table."

Ma'am, we only have one table larger than the one you are already at, but as I see it's becoming available, I will be happy to clear and set it for you. Give me one moment.
Okay, ma'am, if you'd like, the table is ready. I'd be happy to move you over there.

"We're ALREADY sitting HERE and I need to change the baby's diaper!"

Okay, ma'am, as you wish.

The baby at this point, is screaming his little lungs out. So, what does she do? She promptly places the baby on the table and changes his poopie diaper right there in the dining room! Then the entire family eats without washing their hands or asking for the table to be cleaned. Then they leave the poopie diaper and a $2 tip on the table.

Now who's UNCOUTH?

Drug Dealing December Dishwashers

December 2006.

Needed a new dishwasher. Old dishwasher didn't want to work.
Unless he feels like it.

Wants to work 8-2pm. What dishwasher works 8-2?? The restaurant doesn't open until 11am? No dishes stacking up till 12. You want to work 2 hours? At $8/hr??? Because you have to go pick up your kids from day care. You have kids???? Holy *%$%^. How are you paying for them? Don't you want extra hours? You just bought a big house? And you drive an SUV?

HOLD EVERYTHING!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!!

WTF is wrong with this picture?

So I go ask him. "You have a new house and a new SUV and kids in daycare and you only want a few hours on the schedule? What do you have another job or something?"

"I have my own business."

Oh.

"That's cool. What kind of business?"

"A good one."

"Is this the kind of business where I could park next to it and walk under a door sign with your business' name on it and go inside and shop around? Or is it more like, I could pull up to a stop sign on a corner, not need to get out of my car, and the sign above your head would say Fourth and Main Street?"

"Yeah, that second one."

Thanks for being honest. Now you have to leave.

And why try telling the rest of the staff that you're doing back to school or you got another job?

Just leave already.

The Purina Diet

Okay, I blatantly stole this again from an internet joke that Ms. Alabama sent me, although she really could have done this herself....Tracie is like that, you wouldn't put it past her! But as it DOES have to do with food, I'm adding it to my blog site.

WARNING: THIS DIET IS NOT FOR EVERYONE

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, Marley, and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog......Duh!! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her NO , and ... I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I'd lost 50lbs. before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes bugged out of her head.

I went on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story, particularly the tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no.... I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my ass when a car hit me.

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

This Is What Sucks

Do you know what sucks?

When an infant or child is crying. Not a normal crying, that a bit of attention from a Mom or Dad won't fix.

More like a distressed cry.

But the parent is too busy chatting with their dining companion to pay attention to the child. Or so used to the crying, that the parent barely pays it any mind. Not that the rest of the dining room can't hear it. Unfortunately, all eyes are on that table. Not that the child is the problem. The kid is innocent. The problem is the so called responsible adult who is oblivious to the commotion. Or to other guests' concerns for the baby and the wailing and what possibly could be causing it, and hey, how about pick the baby up and find out? There's a thought. Or just continue to ignore the situation like you're already doing.

Until the child becomes so distressed, that they throw up on the table in the dining room.

At which point, the responsible adult certainly notices, because hey, place a plate here, spread out a napkin there, no one will notice until you creep out the door without a word or apology to the server who now has to clean up the vomit they will find when they bus your table.

That sucks.

Push Button To Hear A Pre-Recorded Message From The Staff

The Greeter

Fournier: What if we could turn me into a holograph?

With a pre-recorded message? When customers don't listen, they could push a button to hear it again. And again. And again. I'd like a holograph of you with your 'Ode to HairSpray' movie hair. It was very cool!

Fournier: I hate answering the questions that would have been answered had they listened to the greeter at the front entrance...

Listen? Who listens anymore? It's so yesterday!

Fournier: For example. "What's your specials?"

Oh, they were supposed to listen when they were recited the first time? Huh, no crap.

Fournier: "What's your soup du jour?"

Well, seriously, at the rate Jen changes the soup schedule with new recipes, who can keep up?

Fournier: "Is it spicy?"

Consider your clientele. Cream of corn could be spicy to some people.

Fournier: "How is it made?"

With a hand held burr mixer.

Fournier: "Do you have any fat-free dressing?"

WAIT JUST A MINUTE! They want fat free dressing??? On the salad with blue cheese, fresh fruit, dried fruit, candied nuts, and other sugar laden goodies? They might as well be eating dessert. Amazing. That's like when I order a skim milk grande latte, extra caramel sauce, white chocolate chips, and whipped cream. I feel good knowing I ordered skim milk. Next!

Fournier: Most of the time they don't use proper grammar or they have it accompanied with the ever so present attitude.

Someone gave you attitude? hmmm. Was it Jimmi? LOL.

Fournier: And what is it about them putting their greasy fingers all over my freshly cleaned display area.

Nothing attracts fingerprints like freshly windexed glass.

Fournier: Or asking if the desserts on display are real or if they are plastic? "Can I touch it?"

Like the woman who stuck her finger in the Brulee last week and then licked it?

Fournier: I want to ask them sometimes, "Are you 5 years old? Do you still have to touch things?" I think not!

Good thing we have the electric outlets covered or they'd be sticking their fingers in there too apparently! LOL.

Nice.